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Jacob's Blog
 Hello and welcome to my personal blog page called "faith lounge". Unlike my official ministry website, this is just a place for me to share my most current thoughts.
Fathers and Sons – A Winning Team
I want to wish all of the fathers a very Happy Father's Day! Here's an excerpt from my book Hidden Kings. In this section I talked about fathers and sons. Of course the relationship between fathers and their daughters are equally important. However, I felt to narrow in on the topic of father-son. I pray it's a blessing...
From the time your son is born, you are his life coach, his mentor. No one will have the level of influence you have on him, not even his mother. As a father, it is your role to prepare and shape him for manhood. How you live your own life will establish a pattern for him to follow.
Everything you do and say is being registered in his mind, no matter how young or old he is. One thing I have learned from my dad is that coaching never stops. Even when I reached an age at which I felt more independent and capable, I quickly realized how much I still needed my dad’s coaching. From the time I was born, my dad committed himself to be my coach. He helped to wean me away from motherly protection and childish behavior, into manhood. He allowed me to be a boy, while continually showing me what it is to be a man.
As my coach, my dad never demeaned me, but always affirmed my value and gave me space to grow. A coach is not a sergeant or commander. A coach is not a dictator. A coach is a teacher, someone who helps you to win. Even the best athletes in the world have all been coached. Take for instance pro golfer Tiger Woods, who sadly lost his father to cancer. For as long as Tiger had been in the public eye, his father, Earl Woods, had been right there by his side. From Tiger’s first amateur championship to the day he stole the show by winning at The Masters, his dad was never far from his son’s swing.
Upon his death, Tiger said, “My dad was my best friend and greatest role model, and I will miss him deeply.” Sure, golf was the means, but this father-son relationship was about more than clubs and fairways. In Tiger’s case, fathering didn’t just meet par (pardon the pun), but extended into all the most important areas of life. It wasn’t so much his swing techniques, but his life techniques that helped Tiger become successful. In his book, Training a Tiger: A Father’s Guide to Raising a Winner in Both Golf and Life, Earl Woods said, “I make it very, very clear that my purpose in raising Tiger was not to raise a golfer. I wanted to raise a good person.”
Whether it was in golf or some other pursuit, Tiger’s father invested in him so he would become a successful man. A real life coach doesn’t focus as much on occupation as on character. Tiger Woods wouldn’t be the champion he is today without the coaching of his father. In the foreword to his father's book, Tiger Woods said: "In retrospect, golf for me was an apparent attempt to emulate the person I looked up to more than anyone: my father. He was instrumental in helping me develop the drive to achieve, but his role—as well as my mother's—was one of support and guidance, not interference.”
Whether or not Tiger Woods became a golfer, he was going to be successful. His dad’s fatherly coaching prepared him for greatness. A lot can be learned from their relationship. I’m sure we all can think of other great examples of fathers and sons. The big take-away here is that fatherhood is about mentoring. In your son’s life, it’s a role that will determine what kind of man he will be. The following are two keys to fatherly coaching:
1. Connection
The first and most important element to coaching your son is connecting to him. From the day he was born, there was already an innate connection between the two of you. This is God-given. Your son is essentially your seed, an extension of you. He has your DNA. He has your name. He probably has your facial features, or is built like you. Without any effort or investment, your son embodies many of your attributes. Without one conversation, one game of catch, or one fishing trip, there is a powerful connection between you two. This alone is pure and wonderful.
The innate connection between fathers and sons is entirely invisible, yet tangible. When you look into his eyes, you are looking into a reflection of who you are. However, as beautiful and wonderful as this initial connection is, it is not enough to last a lifetime, or even to adolescence. Lasting connections between fathers and sons, namely between you and yours, are created through building a relationship. Building a relationship comes through spending quality time together. I cannot tell you just how important it is that you have a meaningful, practical relationship with your son, especially when he’s young and impressionable. While I’m not a licensed psychologist, you don’t need a degree to understand the power of a healthy relationship between a father and son.
Being your son’s life coach begins with strong connection, and strong connection is built with clear communication and time investment. Talking with your son is life to his soul and nourishment to his masculine character. The more time you spend with him, the more he learns about himself. As stated in previous chapters, a son needs his father to tell him who he is.
He won’t know he’s a king, unless you affirm his value.
My father didn’t merely take time to be with my brothers and me; he gave time, made time, prolonged time, and invented time for us. Having him standing in the bleachers at our football games was a small act in comparison with the time he devoted to mentoring and shaping us.
My dad always maintained a connection with me. Even though I might have acted in ways he didn’t approve or totally understand, he never tuned me out. Thank God! Even today, the connection we have is unbreakable.
2. Counsel
Counsel is so important. But its success is entirely dependent on the first key. Counsel without connection is ineffective. Fathers who correct or discipline without connection run the risk of hurting their sons. This is one of the main reasons that many sons grow up bitter toward their fathers. Their fathers scored high on discipline, but failed miserably in connection and affection. My dad’s connection with me validated his counsel. I knew he cared. I knew he loved me and wanted only the best for me. So whenever he spoke, I listened. That doesn’t mean I always followed his advice and never disobeyed. As a teenager, there were lots of times when I thought I knew more than he. But that’s any teenager! Still I still listened, because the whole time … I had his words in my mind.
Whether it was at the kitchen table or in the car, I was always being counseled. We talked about everything: relationships, education, finances, and ministry. Sometimes my dad came to me. Other times I went to him. Either way, we talked. Today we have a very open relationship, and can still talk. This is a huge blessing.
As a father, you must continually counsel your sons, as well as your daughters. A lot of the counsel I received while growing up was corrective. I would be heading down a dangerous path or flirting with dumb ideas, and my dad would pull me in and straighten out my thinking.
I remember particularly being in a relationship of which he wasn’t too fond. Seeing that I was pretty persistent and that things would become more serious, he advised me to stay away from it. At first I didn’t want to hear his advice. After all, I felt pretty strongly about the relationship. But little by little I began to see things more clearly. It took more than a few conversations for me to start changing my mind. Today I can tell you that I listened wholeheartedly, and am much happier because of it. Eventually I met my beautiful wife, Cherie, and the rest is history.
Your son needs your counsel. Counsel is a vital part of coaching. Don’t be afraid to counsel him. He needs to hear from you. Your voice is powerful. Even when it appears that he’s not listening, and that your words are going in one ear and out the other, keep speaking to him. Nobody is as influential in his life as you are. You have the ability to help him stay on course, get back on course, or change course if necessary. Put your arm around him and speak to him. If you don’t talk to him, someone else will—a friend, or someone who doesn’t share your same convictions and wisdom.
Even when he grows up, moves on, and starts his own family, your voice will remain in him. That’s a wonderful thing.
I know I’ve shared only two keys with you, but I believe these are the most important. Certainly there are many other elements to fatherly coaching, but none is needed more than connection and counsel. Everything you say to him will impact his future. If you tell him he can do anything, he’ll aim high. If you tell him he’s dumb and won’t amount to much, sadly he won’t. Your son will eventually become a product of what you speak to him.
Yes, he’ll make his own decisions.
However your connection and counsel have the greatest impact on his life. Push him to dream big. Tell him he’s great.
Crown him.
Your greatest legacy will never be written about in a book, but rather be seen through the life of your child. The greatest mark you can leave in your life is the mark on your child’s life.
posted by Jacob Rodriguez at Friday, June 13, 2008
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